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janame33's Blog


Don't you love me....because I know you'll abandon me

I hate to be hated and I hate to be loved. I don’t get it. My fear of abandonment is so intense that it stops me from living, from truly living. It’s like any eency weency sign that I will be abandoned, I run and I run and I run and I never look back. I can’t even seem to handle being loved. The more someone loves me, the greater my fear of losing them. And my environment, I have to have everything in order because if its not I cannot handle it because I am afraid something bad will happen. It’s the same with driving, I cannot ride in a car with another person driving or I literally have a panic attack. I have to be the one driving because by golly, I’m not going to be so vulnerable that another person has my life in their hands and could hurt me. It’s pathetic, truly pathetic, I know. I met this amazing, incredible man and we are engaged. But the longer we are together the more terrified I get, and I’m talking absolutely completely terrified that he will abandon me. I enjoy spending time alone but I also do not let people in easily. Once I do, I make damn sure that I leave them before they leave me. I had a horrible abuse and neglect ridden childhood, yadda yadda yadda. Yes that pretty much screwed things up but why do I still have this problem, this fear of abandonment now? I am 25 years old for God’s sake, I’ve been to therapist after therapist to no avail. I have seriously considered creating a dungeon for myself, like solitary confinement I suppose. A place where I can hide and keep myself safe- a place where people can’t get close enough to me to abandon me. It’s stupid almost you know. I have this desire to change the world to do something great, to make a difference in other people’s lives…yet I can’t even fix my own. Disappointment after disappointment. Failure after failure. Self fulfilling prophecy after self fulfilling prophecy.  Someone hit me over the head with a board. Someone help me understand why I am like this.

If you're reading this right now at this moment, I'm talking to you...yes YOU

Every time I log onto this site, I smile and wish I would have logged on sooner. Even though none of you actually know me, you know me more than some of the people I interact with on a daily basis. There’s no judgment here, there’s no fear of rejection- there is love and there is embrace, there is encouragement and there is courage. I’m really happy about that. When I’m on the site, I feel safe and secure, I feel….at home. Even though this virtual world of life, and living, and people  is far from within my tangible grasp, it still is comforting in the utmost way. I really don’t have much of a family of my own, you, the people reading this have become my family. When I walk down the side walk and look into the eyes of the people surrounding me, I cannot see through them. People hide who they are, they sugar coat the real person they are behind those eyes. But on here, people tell it like it is, without mercy. I like that too, a lot. I never know who will read my blogs and I never know what they will think when they do, but I know that you hear me. And on a good day, some of you even reply or leave a comment and I know that to at least one person out there in the world, my life really does matter. Even if that one person is a virtual “family” that I will likely never meet. So thank you. You make a difference in my life just by being there….and the crazy thing: you probably didn’t even know it.
P.S .   You made me smile, you don't know how amazing that is. It's amazing because smiling is contagious and Im going to do everything in my power to pass it on!  :)

A useless waste of space.

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Words, oh my.

 

 

I didn't realize until today just how much words and the way people say them affect people. It's astounding. Just this week when I stood still, still with my own thoughts I realized this. I have a tendency to use a lot of negative self thinking and rationalizing. I am often confused as to why I think and feel in such a way. But when I honestly stopped and evaluated the thoughts going out of my head and into my heart, I realized that I am repeating the very things that people around me have said to me or about me. I always tell myself that I am in control of my thoughts, that I have this, that even though people sometimes say mean things to me that I can easily overcome them. Almost all of my negative self talk is merely a repeat of the phrases I have previously heard about myself from those surrounding me. This got me thinking two things: what can I do to filter myself from the inflicted pain from others, and what can I do to stop this transmittance of negative self perception. That's when I remembered long, long ago when I was hospitalized in a mental hospital there was a peer specialist named Janice. She told the story of her toxic mother who constantly brought her down emotionally.

She told me a remarkable metaphor. She told me to put on my "Rain Coat." She said that a raincoat will protect me from outside threats, anything that hits it or splashes against it will simply slide off and be gone. It makes sense you know. If every time someone tells us something hurtful, we put on our invisible emotional raincoat and let the negative statements just fall away, our overall self talk would positively increase dramatically. As to preventing other from having this negative self talk, it's pretty simple: purposely choose to build others up instead of tearing them down. Gracefully lavish compliments and positive statements with a positive attitude when intertwining with others. I think about this often, I would so much rather live my life knowing that my thoughts and words build another person up and increase their self-esteem. If we love ourselves, we promote that love to others. If others love others, then the world will be a place encompassed by love and heartfelt sincerity. That's the kind of world I want to live in. Obviously, the entire world will never accomplish this because there are still some people in the world that are hurting so badly that love is really difficult for them. For those people, continue to love on-they need it more than anyone. Change starts with one person. We all have not only the power to be that change, but we have the opportunity to do so. Choose your words carefully, with them you exhibit hate, or love and both are contagious.


Reflection...more than what you see

I am big on reflection. Not like the kind you see in mirror, but the kind you see in a human heart. I like to think, to ponder, in a sense, to wonder. I suppose you could say I am an out of the box thinker. The exact answer given never satisfies my thirst for the “whys” in life. There is far too much coincidence in this world for it to be coined such a term as “coincidence”. Today I made a declaration in my life: from this moment forward, I will believe in “Purpose.”  When I reflect back on my life, I can see the pieces of a very detailed, intricate puzzle piecing together. Each moment, each word spoken, each even to my demise or joy fits perfectly together. I realized that all of life happens in this way. Life is a cause and effect realm. The choices we make correlate to the consequences we have. The choices of those around us impact every aspect of everyone and everything in existence.  That is where purpose seeps in. Every moment in this life has a reason, a reason that it happened. We don’t always know the purpose, most of the time we never will. But just like a reflection always shows in the mirror every time you look into it, reflection of the heart always reveals purpose.

Ewe-Trust....well, (It's not so bad afterall)

Trust has always been hard for me. I come from a more than broken childhood- I acredit it to that. I've been through years of counseling and many, many conversations about "how to trust" and "why to trust." It's like I finally choose to trust and then....my trust is betrayed. Really, I'm used to it. It's happened all my life. The idea of "Trust" just seems like some cruel joke now a days. Until, I met Pastor Stan. He is the one guy that no matter what I told, or how crazy I was, or dangerous I was to myself; he never once betrayed my trust. I felt so comfortable and safe being vulnerable. We used to meet every Thursday at 2pm sharp. That was my hour to vent, cry, listen and get perspective. That was my hour to be accepted for who I was. Well, I stopped meeting with him. Not really one of the wisest choices I've ever made. All at once, I had a lot of people break my trust. So I stopped meeting with everyone, including the one person I could trust who hadn't betrayed me. It wasn't that I was mad at Pastor Stan, afterall he didn't do anything whatsoever to hinder my trust in him. It was that I was afraid he would betray me and hurt me too. So in a wierd kind of way, I hurt myself before he had the chance to even consider hurting me. It's silly, actually. He would never hurt me like that in the first place. But it went deeper than just a fear of being betrayed by yet another person. After so many spells of broken trust, I convinced myself that I just wasn't worthy enough to have people I could trust. It was an amennity that I just didn't deserve. Even though there was not even a remote threat or sign or chance that Pastor Stan would destroy my trust, I believed that his trust wasn't something I even remotely deserved. The sad thing is, those meetings on Thursday afternoons kept me sane. They kept me focused. They kept me safe and secure. I looked forward to that 2pm appointment more than I'll ever admit. And, I'm the only one to blame for that downward spirl. So I sit here with two choices, I can either sullk in my self-pity or I can be humbled. Yeah, it's true, I don't really want to admit that I was the one who screwed up. And I definitly don't want to admit that I broke Pastor Stan's trust while protecting my own. But I choose to be vulnerable to be humbled. I know what I need to do, I need to apologize, big time. In fear of being abandoned- I abandoned someone else. That's not ethical, nor is it healthy. I've played it over and over again in my head the exact words I'd use in my apology. I was origionally going to be all professional and elite and use big, immense words to explain myself. Then I realized, that ain't gonna cut it. That's sugar coating, not humble minded. So I don't even know the exact words I'll use or even how that conversation is gonna go. But I imagine it being along these lines: Yo Pastor Stan, I messed up. I hurt you and I didn't mean to. I was selfish. I was afraid, afraid of being hurt myself. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? Nothing more humbling than brutal honesty, eh. You always learn through every experience, that's the glory of God- he's sneaky like that. I learned that yeah, my childhood may have sucked and it may have been pretty atroscious, but that doesn't automatically mean that every person in my future is like every person in my past. Trust is experiential- meaning that each experience is different. It occured to me, that because I've been hurt so much by other people, I just assumed everyone would eventually hurt me too. That mentality is just completely illogical. It's true that trust is broken, but more importantly, trust is earned. I've spent so much time condeming people who haven't even broken my trust. Well, I'm not doing it anymore. From now I, I will trust until my trust is broken. If it's broken, I'll pray. Despite what I used to think, it's not the end of the world if I do get hurt. To trust you must be vulnerable, but to be vulnerable you must trust. Even though God does extends us free will and does not control our actions, he still inspires them. If I display my vulnerablitiy and don't get hurt- awesome. If I display my vulnerablity and DO get hurt,  awesome- it's a chance to learn, it's a chance to grow, and it's a chance to move on. It's undeniably true: to be trusted, you must trust. And to trust, you must have Faith.

"Anonymous"

Divine appointment with "Anonymous."

Tonight I went to Walmart- I'm not even sure why because I didn't actually "need" anything. Well, while I was there, I ran into a man, I'll just call him "Anonymous." He had a huge, hundred acre smile on his face when he said hello, but I could just sense that something wasn't right with him. I stayed and chatted with him for a while. After listening to him talk, it became apparent that he was struggling very much in life. It wasn't just one struggle, but it was many: Faith, Marriage, Trust, Happiness, Family. I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to say to him- but I knew that God had me there in that moment to listen to every word he had to say. I gave a few hints of advice here and there but ultimately that's not what God wanted me to do. God wanted me to reassure this man that the dark prevails just before the light dawns. He wanted me to emphasize to this struggling man that even though it doesn't seem like it, God is in charge of his life and most definitly working his plan through him-and most importantly: God uncondditionally loves him. Even though this man openly expressed his frustration and anger with God and the Church, not once did he actually give up on God. In the midst of his struggle and pain, in the midst of the dark cloud that surrounded him- he still acknowledged his love and devotion to Creator who made him. It was so neat to see all of the light surrounding him. He couldn't see it himself- but, I could see, I could tell that God had something magnificant planned for him after this dark time in his life. He is absolutely in a Faith growth spirt, and God is the one nurturing him. I don't really know if my conversation with him impacted his life at all, but I do know that I was meant to be in that exact isle at Walmart, at that exact time to express to this anonymous man that even though things are tough, and God is growing him, that He is also relentlessly pursuing him because He unconditionally loves him.

"Ann"



Divine appointment with "Ann." Earlier this morning I went jogging! Felt amazing!!! The cool part- while I finished my final lap around the lake, I passed the little brook under the bridge to get to my car- I had parked right next to that bridge. I don't normally, but something just told me to. When I passed the bridge, there was a lady sitting under the bridge. I have no idea why, but I climbed d...

own there and started talking to her. Turns out Ann went to a place in nature so that she could pray. The way cool part- she never prayed before. It was her first time. I was able to pray with her! She cried, I cried, (we probably flooded the brook) God smiled. Pretty neat, eh! These moments just happen! Again, wow-just wow!!!

 



"Richard"



Divine appointment with "Richard." Well, I had $10.50 in my pocket and that's all-lol. (But I'm not worried, God will provide- He alwaus does) I met a man named "Richard" at a McDonald's we stopped at a while ago while passing through Columbus. He's the happiest mentally disabled 60 year old man I've ever met! He was just so humble and loving. He gave me a card with his name, address, and phone nu...

mber on it. He said he doesn't ask for much in life bc he know that God provides but that he needed a size 4x sweatshirt, a hat and a pair of gloves. He also needed a DVD player. That $10.50 I had to my name, God told me to buy that sweater, hat and gloves for Richard. The clothing cost $10.50. And I had an extra DVD player at home just sitting in my storage closet. This morning I drove up to see Richard in Columbus. You wouldn't believe the look on Richards face when I told him that without a doubt, God sent me to answer his prayer!!!! It was a most incredible way to spend the little money that God blessed me with!!! God just continues to bless my life like crazy!!!!

 



My "Do it- God said so" experience



The past month has just been horrible, seemingly relentless and awful. It seems like everything just fell apart, and it was everything that was completely out of my control. It felt like I was sliding backwards with absolutely no hope of climbing back up. I was convinced, well, rather- I convinced myself, that this was just my life- the final result of my ill-tho...

ught choices and there was just no escape. It’s like all at once, every decision and choice I ever made for my life was just destroyed. If it wasn’t one thing that disrupted the life I My "Do imade for myself, it was another. My life just became impossible. There was seriously not one aspect of my life that wasn’t halted or disrupted. I just didn’t know what to do. I was so lost. I worked so hard to make this life for myself and to rise up from the deep dark pit that I was once in, to change my life and be the person I wanted to be, to become better- even to become the best. Well, I was wrong…yet again. You see, I got comfortable in my life- too comfortable. I was so secure in my self-directed life that I pretty much just shut God out. I had so much pride in the life I created that I convinced myself that I could guide my own life more than God ever could. Yeah, that just didn’t work out so well.
The funny thing is. My life became impossible…on PURPOSE, courtesy of God. The truth is, I was living the life “I” made, the life “I” chose, the life “I” led. No where in there was God, at all. While I was suffering the past month, I prayed so much and so often that God intervene in my life, that he take my misery away and bring me happiness and peace. Turns out, He sort of, kind of, did EXACTLY that. I can’t even count the number of ways that God TRIED telling me over and over again, that my life was just not what he wanted for me. He spoke, and he spoke, and he spoke- I didn’t listen, at all. In order for me to listen, to actually listen, He had to take drastic measures. So…drastic measures he took. So drastic, that I had no choice whatsoever but to turn to God. He was literally all that I had left. With a tear-stained face, a fearful heart, and a shattered, broken life, I stood silent and for the first time ever, listened to the God who had relentlessly pursued me for so long. All I heard was, “SEEK ME. LOVE, GOD.” I was like, Um…seriously…Okay….Fabulous. I’m supposed to just “seek you,” somehow…however I’m supposed to do that and that’s ALL you have to tell me after ALL this time…Wow, great, just fantastic…I guess. This is exactly what I wanted to hear…follow an invisible voice to…where again!” I was so upset that God disrupted my life to tell me four… measly… words… and nothing more.
Once again…God knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Funny thing, eh? Thursday, my boyfriend packed my bags, put me in the car and we drove away. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going or why we were going there. Eight hours later, I ended up in the majestic mountains of Colorado. From the moment we arrived in that state-NOTHING went right. We had no cell phone, one was stolen and the other was broken, therefore we had zero communication to the outside world. The bank messed up, and our debit card ended up not working, we literally had $34.56 to our name. When we tried to get our hotel room, the debit card wouldn’t work and we didn’t have enough money- we were literally a few bucks short. So we used $12.99 of the little money we had and bought a fleece blanket. And we slept in the car with our two dogs. Not only was it freezing cold outside but it was cramped and crowded, so very uncomfortable and we slept in a Walmart parking lot so there were constantly lights on and everyone was staring at us, therefore sleep quality was really crappy. The windshield wipers broke and snow pounded the windshield preventing us from seeing anything. Then there was a blizzard, a bad one at that. Cars were sliding off the road left and right. It was black ice. We had to drive less than 30mph to even stay on the road and were forced to park and wait out the dreary storm. We forgot to pack all of my getting ready supplies, my makeup and hair straighter, all of the things that made me feel beautiful. The heater was broken in the car and we were forced to use “Hand Warmers” for a heat source. We were cramped in the car for hours, and Aaron’s dog had some pretty bad flatulence. We had no phone, and therefore no GPS so we got lost multiple times and couldn’t find our way to anything.
We had no money to do anything else, but we sure had a LOT of time. We needed cheap, actually we needed free activities. We decided to take our two dogs hiking in the mountains. What was to pursue was beyond anything I ever would have expected. Neither one of us had been hiking before so we were most definitely not dressed for the adventure we were about to pursue nor did we have all the supplies we needed. We almost reached the top when it got dark, the snow accumulated, it became bitter cold, we had no food or light, mountain lions were on the hunt and safety became a huge issue. We made our way down the mountain. I’m night blind so Aaron led the way and held my hand to help me down the mountain. His dog took off running and forced him to climb ahead of me down the mountain. He was far ahead of me. It was just too slick, I lost my footing and fell. I grabbed for anything I could find, but there just wasn’t anything there. My life flashed before my eyes. The finger of my glove caught onto a tiny broken tree branch, it was literally the only thing holding me from dropping to the ground. So there I hung, over 7,500 feet in the air, with my feet dangling in the air. For the first time in my life, I danced with death and it wasn’t my choice. At that exact moment, I knew for absolute certain that I did not want to die. In that five minutes when I faced death, I decided that I would never again even consider or think about death by my own hand. My hand fell out of my glove and I began to fall downwards, Aaron caught me. At the top of the snowy mountain, with a cascading waterfall below, the love of my life caught me. At that point, reality smacked me in the face, and it smacked me hard. Not only did God save my life, but He showed me in a VERY real way that I could trust the love of my life without a doubt. After that moment, I forever decided to unconditionally trust the man I loved.
The next day, our debit card finally worked. My phone got fixed, we finally had GPS and money and could go places! For some reason, the first store we found was a Christian book store. We had never heard of it before but something told me to go inside. So we did. There were hundreds of Bibles in there, one for every aspect and process of life. Aaron bought me this amazing Bible that is centered on everything I’m going through. That alone was pretty amazing…but then the best part of the trip happened….and you guessed it… once again, it was certainly a God thing. Aaron and I were sitting on the floor looking at Bibles together. Once we got up and started to walk away, we ran across this woman who was also sitting on the floor. We started talking to her. She was looking at Bibles for her newly saved fiancé. It hit me all of a sudden. I am, without a doubt, absolutely, positively supposed to be in this exact place at this EXACT time. Now, here is the cool part. The other day I posted on my Facebook status that I was in need of a Bible tailored toward growth in Christ. When I woke up the next morning, there was a Bible just sitting on the ground outside my front door step. No note, no letter, nothing, just the Bible. I had no idea who it was from or who put it there. I was pretty shocked and to be honest, a little freaked out. For some reason, I’m not even sure why, I opened the Bible wrote on the inside of the front cover, all of the things that define my identity in Christ. I read a little bit of the Bible. It was so perfect for someone who needed to just learn and grow in their Faith. I wasn’t even going to bring that Bible, but on my way out the door, something just told me to grab it. So, reluctantly I did. The Bible that someone secretly gave me Thursday morning, just sat there in the backseat of my car. So there I was, in Colorado Springs, Colorado talking to this woman I didn’t know who was searching for a Bible for her fiancé. That’s when the Ah-Ha moment happened. I dropped everything, told the woman not to leave, told Aaron not let her leave, and ran to the car as fast as I could. I knew for absolute certain that I had to give that Bible to her for her fiancé “Thomas.” I ran back inside the store, gave her the Bible and just knew that I did what God wanted me to. It gets even more amazing from here. This divine appointment changed my life more than I ever even though imaginable! I told the woman how cool it was that this happened because God sent me here and I didn’t know why but now I most certainly knew. I told her about my recent struggles. She had been through the exact same thing that I was going through. She had been through it and overcome. She told me how she could sense God in me and that when she saw me, she just knew there was something about me. Every single struggle I was dealing with, she encouraged me through. She prayed over me, she prayed to God that I would be healed from my hurts and depression and suicidal thoughts. She prayed that God give me direction in my life and guide me through it. She prayed that I learn and believe God’s truth over Satan’s lies. It was amazing. I stood in that store crying because I knew, absolutely knew, that God had used this woman to speak directly to my heart. She not only prayed for me, but she prayed for me and Aaron’s relationship. It made Aaron and I realize that no matter what, the one thing that holds us together is our Faith in God. She reminded us that our love for each other should be modeled after Christ’s love for us. I cried some more, and then I looked over, and Aaron was crying too (or as he says…had a “tear” in his eye). It was not only meaningful, it was magical- God directly intervened in our relationship and spoke so very clearly to the both of us. He made us realize that God seriously is the glue that binds us together. From that moment on, we promised one another to let God lead our relationship, we promised that God would hold the reins in our relationship, and most importantly we promised each other to love, accept, trust, and forgive one another…just like God does. We exchanged many hugs with this fabulous young woman and prayed one last time. As she prayed with us this last time, she commanded that all depression, aches and pain leave my body. We said Amen , thanked each other, and again told each other how much this divine appointment blessed all of our lives. That night, I prayed about what God wanted me to do with my life….but this time, I listened, and listened, and listened instead of talking and talking and talking. I fell asleep so peacefully, and I fell asleep with a smile on my face. I still didn’t know what it was that God wanted me to do with my life, but I definitely knew that he was in control and did indeed have a plan. The next morning when I woke up, I felt different, I couldn’t explain it- but I just felt so different. I slept a lot of the way home, but then all of a sudden I woke up and knew exactly what I was supposed to do!!! It was ALL so clear! God really did do everything for a reason…I just couldn’t believe it!!!! He so did it on purpose! He personally intervened in my life and now, nothing is the same- not a single thing. He took the life I created for myself, and he ruined it. He ruined it so that He could create the life “He” wanted me to live.
It’s pretty ironic, you know. I was forced to quit my job on Wednesday, was forced to find new housing, failed out of school this semester, had a horrible experience with my family, and was struggling with trust in my relationship with Aaron. I was struggling with suicide, God presented me with death- HE saved my life. I was struggling with intimate trust, God provided me with an opportunity to be vulnerable –HE gave Aaron a way to earn my trust. I was struggling with self esteem, God scheduled a divine appointment at an unexpected time- HE used that appointment to show me my self-worth. God allowed me to forget all of my superficial makeup and hair products so that I could appreciate my natural beauty he blessed me with. I was struggling with making a difference in the world, God purposely put me in a certain place at a certain time-HE gave me that opportunity to make that difference. God forced me to quit my job- He showed me that I am supposed to work with children. He didn’t just ask, he demanded that it what I am supposed to do. I was forced to move from my apartment, and could no longer pursue my career in speech pathology-He showed me that I am supposed to move to Norfolk, go to The Christian Bible College in Nebraska and pursue a career in Humanities as a family and community Christian Counselor. God allowed dysfunction and disruption in my family to teach me to separate myself from those who are toxic to my life but love and pray for them from a distance- I cut off all contact with my family, it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I was struggling with depression- God provided a divine appointment in my life to heal me of my ails- my depression is gone, my suicidal thoughts are gone, my aches and pains are just gone. It is unbelievable!

A week ago, my life was all about me- I selfishly abandoned God and pursued my own self interests, and didn’t even think twice about it. Well… God sure stopped that in a hurry. He shattered my life- on purpose. He broke me-on Purpose. Then he took my shattered life, and put the pieces back together. He accepted my brokenness and made me whole. In a million years, I never, EVER imagined that I would halt the life I knew and completely change every single thing about it. I never thought I’d suddenly quit my job, quit my career, move out of town and invest my heart and soul into Ministry. Really God….could you possibly be any more astounding?!
On Thursday afternoon, God spoke to me and said…..“Seek me.” Four days later, He spoke to me and said…..”You found me. Love, God”
Wow, just wow.

 
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My future husband: The peanut to my butter, the soda to my pop, the potato to my chip

Wow, how life has totally happened! It's been a year now since I met my future husband. He couldn't possibly be more amazing. He's everything I ever hoped for, and more. For once in my life, I have love, true- genuine love like I imagined when I was a little girl. No, it's not like a fairy tale. I didnt lose a glass slipper and he returned it. Nor did I eat a poisened apple, and his magic kiss woke me from deep sleep. It's better than that. He's my best friend, my soul mate, the half that makes my heart whole. This happy-ever-after is for real. It's like every single one of his strengths is my weakness, and each one of my strengths is his weakness. We have this incredible check and balance in our relationship. He is assertive and driven, I am shy and unsure. He is easy to anger and impatient, I am calm and very patient. Never, did I imagine that a guy I met at a bar one night while I was out dancing, would become the love of my life. When I saw him that night, I knew there was just something about him I couldn't let slip away.  It wasn't his athletic body, or his glistening smile. It wasn't the way he made me laugh, or the way he was just so interesting, I couldn't stop listening to him. It was his tender eyes that addicted me. There was just something that sparkled in them, something that encompased me. A year later, after the ups and the downs, I still see that tender look in his eyes. A year later, I am even more in love with him that when we first met. A year later, my son calls him "Daddy" and he reponds, "Yes son." A year later, I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think about him. A year later, I still melt when he kisses me. A year later, I still jump into his arms when he returns home from being away. Sometimes when he's sitting across from me, I love to just stare at him. I am in just in awe that this amazing, incredibly attractive, romantic, caring, driven man stole me heart and gave me his instead. You know, when you're a little girl- you dream of the day you find your soulmate. You play it over and over again in your head, planning each moment perfectly. Then one day, at just the right time- love blinds you, it captures you. And the romance you find is beyond magical-it's miraculous. Yeah, I'm head over heels in love with this fantastic man, and I'm undeniably spoiled by his love.  :) .

I miss him, like alot.

It's been a while since I've posted. Life just, well, sort of unexpectedly happened. I met the man of my dreams and fell in love. Every since we met, we have been inseparable, practically glued to each other. I was enjoying and treasuring every single second with him until this morning. He had to take a job that is two hours away and now we will only see each other on the weekends. I know this is only the first day he's been gone, but I didn't think it was possible to miss someone this much. He consumes my every thought today. I miss him incredibly. I long to be wrapped in his arms. I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. I wonder if he thinks about me as much as I think about him. We have a very strong relationship and I know this will make us even stronger. Being apart from him really makes me realize just how much I love him. I am counting down the seconds until I can see him again. When I see him again, I'm going to run and jump into his arms and never let him go! He's my best friend, my soul mate, I miss him so much.

When you least expect it....

Occasionally I go to the bar with my sister to gone dancing. Usually I never think twice about guys I meet at the bar because they are either scumbags who just want to get you drunk and take you home, or they're creepy stalkers who become overprotective and think they own you. Well, on this specific occasion, I met a nice guy. I was taken back by how attractive he was, but I fell in love with his personality. He held me up when I couldn't stand, he stuck by my side most of the night, and he didn't take me home with him when he had the chance to. The next morning he text us to make sure we got home safe. We've been talking to each other every since. He came over to watch movies last night. He met my son for the first time and was amazing with him. Then we all watched a movie together. It got late and I kicked him out. He was so respectful and left when I told him to. While watching the movie, there was a hot chick on tv and my son said "mommy, she sure is beautiful." This guy looked at my son and said "your mom is beautiful." Every since then my son has been walking around telling me im beautiful. Im surprised I met this guy at a bar. He is meeting my parents this weekend. So far, I really like him. Im excited to see where this goes! It's funny, you know. I wasn't even looking for a relationship or anything and along comes this great guy! Funny how that works!

I wanted acceptance. I was judged instead.

Until recently, Church has been a safe place for me. A place where I could break down emotional barriers, a place where I could be vulnerable and not get hurt. It "was" my safe place that is. Someone said something that really hurt me. Even though it was probably just my perception, it still crushed me completely. I vowed never to forget what the person said or forgive her. I felt betrayed. I felt like she got to know me only so she could hurt me. A few days later I was going to forgive the person and ask for forgiveness myself, then another person from Church said something really hurtful to me. I was even more crushed by what this person said because besides my Pastor, she is the last person on earth that I thought would judge me. I thought Church was my safe place but it's not- people in that Church earned my trust long enough to get close to me and ruin ne from the inside out. I stopped talking to both women who judged me, I deleted everyone from the Church off of my Facebook, and I stopped going to Church. If that is how people treat fellow Church members then I want no part in any of it! All along, I thought it was okay to be authentic there. I thought it was okay to be myself. I couldn't have been more wrong. The only way the Church will accept me is if I'm some fake, superficial person. That's not me. Evidently I'm better off alone. I regret ever trusting anyone in that Church, and I wish I hadn't wasted my time there. The only thing going to that Church accomplished was making me hate Church and hate God. I only wanted to be accepted, and instead I was shunned, judged, and rejected. That's the last time I'll step foot in a Church again.

Suicidal Alter

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Reflection On Life

Today is a monumental day of celebration for me. I'm celebrating life and freedom, growth, second chances and opportunities. A year ago on this date, I tried taking my own life. I picked up the pieces to my life, and walked away from the dysfunction. Sitting here today, I adore life. I have a close, intimate relationship with Jesus. I have a beautiful son who I get to watch grow up. I am in college fulfilling my dreams, and I'm working at a job where I get to impact people's lives everyday. I am living out my Personal Mission Statement. My life is full of purpose and meaning, joy and peace, compassion and patience- I owe EVERYTHING that I am to God. He transformed my entire life. He continually molds me into the person he wants me to be. He spared my life. God has this crazy plan for my life. Standing here today, as a strong, independent, God-fearing, God-loving woman, I will do everything I possibly can to fulfill that plan. I am a changed person.

Suicide.

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It's time for a big confession.

My Pastor is my biggest support in my life. He helps me tremendously and he listens to me. He never judges me and he gives solid, sound advice. I am very lucky and appreciative to have him in my life. He often provides perspective that I could not see on my own. He is a true role model and Christ-like example. I want to be open and honest with him about everything going on in my life, but I don't want to disappoint him. I want him to be proud of me when I make progress but I don't want him to be disappointed when I'm not doing well. So what do I do? I tell him only one side of the story and tell myself it's not lying because if he asked me about it, I would be honest. I feel really guilty about not telling my Pastor everything, it's really eating at me. He has helped me so much and has never once judged me, or scolded me for anything that I've done. So where is this fear of disappointing my Pastor coming from? Lying doesn't get you anywhere and people can't help you if you don't tell them something is wrong. I think a big confession to my Pastor is in order. My fear of rejection and abandonmemtI are heightened. Oh boy, this will be a tough one.

Normal...oh how I LOATHE that word

I often wonder what it means to be "normal." Is "normal" just a definition agreed upon by society to segregate people, or is "normal" actually attainable? By whose standards are we considered normal? Maybe the definition of normal was meant to be individualized. Maybe the people labeled as crazy are normal and the rest of the world is abnormal, now that's a thought. We all have one brain, one pair of lungs and one heart- what makes one person more equipped for success in life than another? According to Doctors and Therapists, misfortune in childhood, trauma, mental illness, whatever it may be changes the wiring in the brain and creates abnormalcy. That's nice and it all sounds very logical, but what about the blame society places on the victim? Society makes abnormalcy out to be a personal failure, something a person asked for or somehow caused. What if the definition of normal was corrupt to begin with? What if "normal" is indeed an intangible standard set by society? It is unjust and unfair to label a person as "normal" or "abnormal" based strictly upon circumstances out of their control. If society focused less on labeling people, and focused more on proactively helping them come up with solutions, then maybe more people would be helped in the world. Maybe society would stop comparing its people as if life were some competition of who is the best. Maybe, just maybe, people labeled as "abnormal" would be given a chance at equality.

Love Language

My primary love language is "Words of Affirmation," followed closely by "quality time." I thrive off of positive reinforcement, it's like eating the sweetest piece of candy in all the world to me. I am touched deeply by others words and I take what they say to heart. I even have a "Positive Book" full of the things people have told me. On bad days or days when I'm just feeling down, I read through it and my heart once again glows. The easiest way to impact my life is through words of affirmation; this also means the easiest way to wound my heart is through words of harsh criticism, ridicule or discouragement. The old saying of "Sticks and stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me" just doesn't ring true for me. If used in the wrong connotation, words completely crush me. For every negative thing someone tells me, it takes about five positive things for me to be okay. I am very merciful and compassionate towards others, but when it comes to myself, I have zero compassion to extend. I have no problem treating other people as I want to be treated, but I've found I need to reverse the Golden Rule and "Treat myself as I treat other people." If my primary love language is Words of Affirmation, and I'm aware I have a ton of negative self talk, it should be easy to fix that and learn to love myself, right? Wrong. I've spent the last 23 years of my life hating myself, I have to re-write my entire inner dialog before I can learn to love and accept myself. At times it seems like this is an impossible task, but then I remember just how much I genuinely love other people and I remember, I want to be loved like that. Moral of the story, be selective in your words- you may never know how they impact others. And one last thing, love who you are. There is only one you, you were specifically created for a specific purpose- love yourself unconditionally.

1-20 of 41 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Don't you love me....because I know you'll abandon me, posted June 19th, 2013
If you're reading this right now at this moment, I'm talking to you...yes YOU, posted June 18th, 2013
A useless waste of space., posted April 11th, 2013
Words, oh my., posted April 7th, 2013
Reflection...more than what you see, posted April 4th, 2013
Ewe-Trust....well, (It's not so bad afterall), posted November 14th, 2012
"Anonymous", posted November 13th, 2012
"Ann", posted November 12th, 2012
"Richard", posted November 12th, 2012
My "Do it- God said so" experience, posted November 12th, 2012
My future husband: The peanut to my butter, the soda to my pop, the potato to my chip, posted November 12th, 2012
I miss him, like alot., posted March 7th, 2012
When you least expect it...., posted January 5th, 2012
I wanted acceptance. I was judged instead., posted January 2nd, 2012, 1 comment
Suicidal Alter, posted December 19th, 2011
Reflection On Life, posted December 17th, 2011
Suicide., posted December 17th, 2011
It's time for a big confession., posted December 15th, 2011
Normal...oh how I LOATHE that word, posted December 14th, 2011
Love Language, posted December 14th, 2011
Adrenaline Junkie-that's me, posted December 13th, 2011
The six people in my head, posted December 13th, 2011
Forgiveness- we need it, but we also need to extend it., posted December 13th, 2011
New Life, posted December 13th, 2011
Mercy, posted December 10th, 2011, 1 comment
The bad has brought the good, posted December 3rd, 2011
He makes my Mommy heart smile, posted December 1st, 2011
My passion in life, posted November 30th, 2011
Happiness makes me sad, posted November 29th, 2011, 1 comment
Epic failure, posted November 28th, 2011
why is forgiveness so hard?, posted November 27th, 2011
Unending love, posted November 27th, 2011
Father knows best..., posted November 26th, 2011
What's my purpose in life?, posted November 25th, 2011
Patience, posted November 25th, 2011
Faith and Ice cream, posted November 25th, 2011
Brushing your teeth & Faith, posted November 25th, 2011
New Creation, posted November 25th, 2011
Faith and Fast food, posted November 25th, 2011
The Bible and Stoplights, posted November 25th, 2011
Change, posted November 25th, 2011
Home, posted November 25th, 2011
Saying Goodbye, posted November 25th, 2011
Transformation, posted November 25th, 2011
Impulsivity no more, posted November 25th, 2011

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